Thursday, January 1, 2015

N E W Y E A R

Hello those of you who may happen upon this sad little page. I thought I would post a little something since it is the first day of the New Year. Obviously, I have spent my entire day in bed, partly do to a hangover. 2015. Strange. This year I will be turning 24, one year closer to being able to rent a car. Exciting... 

It has definitely made me think back on my life and how it will be moving forward. By the time I turn 24 I hope to have completed a few goals:

Finish writing at least one story.
Go to the gym; not to lose weight but to become a healthier and happier person.
Get an apartment that I will want to stay in for more than a year. I am tired of moving.
Buy a new mattress along with a couch and bedroom furniture (trust me, it's needed).
Take a vacation to somewhere I've never been (hoping for California).
Update this blog more.

That last one is important as I intend to create a new blog, possibly on my own website. I want to make it more visible and something that I will post in at least once a week. For those of you who do read this blog I will post an announcement before closing this page along with a link to my new one.

One last thought before I go-

Choose to do something this year that you have never done before. You may find something that you truly enjoy in the process.

Happy New Year!

x o x o

Saturday, August 9, 2014

h e a r t

It is amazing how quickly things can change when you just stop stressing out about it.

Yes, I am back and this time less depressing! Ha. Anyway, I have been working my ass off to figure out where I want to be and what I want to do with my life. Yes, I know that this is the questions of the ages and it is easy to write it off as something that no one will figure out for themselves.

Let's face it, we live in a world that revolves around disappointment. Here is an example: You go to college in hopes of finally studying something that you are truly interested. You get good grades and graduate on time with a degree in a subject you really love. After months of not finding a job because it turns out everything in your field is not hiring, you settle for an office job doing something completely opposite of what you enjoy.

For me, I went to college for English Literature and now I work with all numbers. It is stressful. I can't say I love my job but I can say I love my company. That in itself is what makes the difference. You could be doing a job that you love but if you hate the company, it could make you hate the job. Loving the company you work for means you get the chance to develop yourself and figure out what you truly want to do- all while working in an environment that doesn't make you want to shoot yourself.

Sure, I hate numbers. I vowed at a young age that I would never work in a cube or work with numbers and now I am doing both. But hey, that is the world we live in today. You no longer get a choice in what you do but you do have a choice in who you do it for.

You may be thinking, but hey, how am I supposed to get a job that I want in my field if I am gaining experience in a field completely opposite. Well, this is what I have found: Most jobs nowadays will provide reimbursement for tuition and they sometimes double that money if you are going for a degree. You can improve in yourself in areas that could help you land a job in the correct field, all on that other company's dime!

Don't get me wrong, I know most companies can be shitty and that you may have to do a job you hate at a company you hate. But try and make the best out of it because there may be opportunities for you to develop and move positions if you look at what your company has to offer.

Put your heart into what you love and you will find a way to get yourself there. Just don't stick your nose up at opportunities that come your way just because you don't like them. Everyone needs to start somewhere.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

e c t o p i c

So it's been a while since I've posted anything, so let me catch you up.

I got a new boyfriend about 3 months ago. Being young, we had sex early on and I thought it was ok. Little did I know, I got pregnant.

The entirety of the pregnancy I had no idea that I was pregnant.

One morning, however, I woke up and soon after felt a terrible pain, my vision went black and I felt nauseous.

The pain worsened as the day went on. It felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly and drowning at the same time.

I finally gave in and went to the hospital via ambulance the next morning. I wasn't really able to move on my own.


After some needles and tests it was clear that i had an ectopic pregnancy that was causing internal bleeding.

I was 7-8 weeks and the baby had burst through my left fallopian tube.


They brought me into surgery shortly after that.



It's been about a month since that happened and i feel as if I'm in an endless fog of crazy emotions. I hate myself for crying at stupid things. I hate my body for betraying me. But even more so, I hate that part of me wishes that I never made it to the hospital.

I was on the brink of death and all i can think is why am i not thankful that I'm alive now? I don't want to die. I'm not going to kill myself. But i do resent myself and especially my body for doing this to me. For fucking up my internal self.

I'm hoping this self loathing is just a phase and that I find solace in all of this. But right now I just feel angry and sad and even happy all at the same time.


Fucking hormones.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

j o b s

Does anyone ever notice how awful searching for a job can be? I'm sure you notice but when did searching for a job become so... demoralizing? It seems that every job wants someone with at least 3-5 years experience. Understandable, but when your fresh out of college you don't have a whole lot of experience in the real world. Everything is theory when your in college. This is how the job world will treat you, this is what you need to do to get a job, this is what you need to learn in order to maintain a job in your field. Why does no one ever tell you the truth? Stick to one internship for at least a year whether its unpaid or not. No, for me, I was constantly told to play the field and look for several different types of jobs so I would better understand what I wanted to do.

Well for me it only took one internship to figure out what I wanted to, what I was good at. Copywriting. What could be better, I thought, than to be able to write creatively but still use the skills I learned in the English Literature major which were detail oriented, researching, writing, editing, creating, and basically doing every thing a successful person in the writing industry should do. So why can't we count those 4 years of college as our experience? Why do jobs assume that because you decided to take a job at a zoo so you could actually pay for things in lieu of taking an internship that didn't pay anything mean you are inept at performing any task they would wish to give you? Its crazy, but it is our world.

Now, a few months after graduating, I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to have to do unpaid internships for the next few years, while working odd jobs so I don't rely on my parents for money, just so I can get a job that I actually love to do. I guess its worth it but I think jobs would benefit from actually taking a chance on graduates with little experience. Being fresh out of college means you have the ability to learn still, and the fact that you completed college should mean you can retain new information. And, it is a lot easier for someone of my age to learn something new in this ever changing world, then lets say, someone with 10 years experience but no experience with the new technology and media sites. Also, who is to say that some of these graduates don't have natural talent? What if they would do great at your company or even make it better but no one notices that because they have been working as a pizza delivery person instead of doing that internship with the local paper?

I guess all I am trying to say is that experience can sometimes be outweighed by actual talent and knowledge and love of a job in someone's field. So why not give those recent grads a chance? Or give this recent grad a chance... believe me, I am confident enough to say I wouldn't apply for the job if I didn't think I could handle it.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

e n d l e s s

To fight for something is the greatest feat any one person can ever take on. Whether that be a fight for love, to create, or to end something, having passion for that fight is what makes us human. After watching, reading, learning of so many worlds come to an end or starting anew through some sort of cause has created an endless passion in me. That passion being to spread that fighting spirit; to ask the world to put down their hatred and pick up a passion that unites one and all. Is that asking for too much? Possibly, but I ask it in the hopes that it will stir creation in all of us. I fight for reason - a reason to live, to love, to keep going. I want nothing more than to share that love, that fight, that endless passion with every soul. If we, as humans, could open our eyes to the hatred we pour out and determine the cause of it, is it possible to ever live together happily? Can we ever put down our weapons and just realize that we are all the same - we are all human - and together we must live in this tough and dangerous world. So why cause any more stress to the brothers and sisters of humanity when we are all fighting for the same cause? We all want to live happily and to be surrounded by love; we want to tell the stories of our past, present, and future.

I won't give up in that passion because I am motivated by that truest feeling that we all share - love.

So, the question is, what will you fight for?

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Post-College

Hallo,

Its been a while since I've actually made a post that isn't something I've already written in the past. I think it has a lot to do with the craziness that has been my life this past year.

My last semester of college turned out to be a lot more stressful than I originally anticipated. My boyfriend and I broke up, but what else is new? Not only that but I found the idea of graduating to be very stressful... scary even. I didn't think I was ready. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe no one is ever ready to be an adult or even move on with their lives when so much of it was developed in one place. Its really easy to get comfortable in one place and maybe, just maybe, that is why and why so many other people have found themselves acting as ghosts on their old stomping grounds. Driving casually through campus and staring at the buildings that change before your eyes in hopes that something will trigger. A memory, a smile, anything that will distract you from the fact that your moments at this place are no longer relevant.

Applying for jobs has taught me a few things. One of which is that no job is willing to hire anyone who does not have more than one year's experience in a certain field. It doesn't matter how smart you are, how able you are in learning new things, or how much "potential" you may have -- all employers seem to see nowadays is how much experience you have.

Although my days at my university are over in a bittersweet melody of should of, could of, would of... I would like any one who may actually be following this blog a piece of advice, especially if you are still attending school.

Do what you love, but make sure you try out a little bit of everything so your not stuck doing something you only partially like. I suggest applying for many many internships and jobs related to what you love to do. The more experience you have in one place will most likely guarantee you a job in the future. But, if your like me, a post-grad with very little experience, don't lose hope. It is stressful beyond reason but you have the skills, passion, and perseverance to never give up, so you will get to where you want to be. No matter how long it may take.

Until then,

xoxo
sami

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Personal Analysis on Short Story: Funambulist


I started this story with a very different idea for it then how it eventually turned out. It was first called Word of the Day. I wanted it to be seven short stories that each started with a word of the day that somehow tied into the story. I also wanted to connect all of the stories together through the last story.
            I really wanted to focus on using different points of view at first. I wanted each story to use a different point of view and a different implied author. I soon found that to be extremely difficult and by the time I got to the last story, I ran out of ideas. I was neck deep in writer’s block.
            I went through the first draft a few times, and even had a couple of friends read through it. Finally, I came to the decision that I needed to go about this in a completely different way. I needed to develop a plot and focus more on connecting the characters then on trying to find an ending for a story that possibly has no ending.
            During revision, I found that I didn’t want to go with my original idea of seven short stories, however I still wanted to distinguish different points of view through different stories. So, I settled for giving each character their own space. Basically, I kept the point of view, for the most part, the same, but I switched the focus from each character to give the overall story more internal point of view from the characters themselves.
            My next step in the revision process was actually coming up with a plot that I thought could fit with the idea I was heading in. I knew I wanted it to take place at this strange, almost unrealistic, circus, and I also knew that I wanted the main focus to be on the love connection of Xavier and Pandora. The Oblongs are important to the development of the story because without them these other characters can never come into contact.
            The last thing I really wanted to figure out was the ending. I seem to always have trouble ending my stories – perhaps there is some deep psychological reasoning behind it, but I doubt it. I wanted the main conflict to happen at the end so that the readers were left wondering, “What happens next?” If I could successfully get someone to say that they wanted to find out what’s happening next, then I know I have succeeded in my writing goal: to keep the reader reading!
            I would like to end this by commenting on my progress throughout the semester. I think my writing was stuck in the same place for a while and I was having trouble finding my own way as a writer. Through the various writing exercises we have done, and through the various techniques we have learned, I can confidently say that I am a better writer now than I was when the semester started. I think my final short story is something that I am proud to turn in, my only hope is that I can further develop my various other stories as the years roll on.