Friday, September 23, 2011

l i f e

Its crazy how things seem to work out, or not work out. For instance, I never thought I would be going to Europe in my entire life and here I am. Living here for 4 months and being pushed head first into a new culture. But then again, coming here has ruined some pretty amazing possibilities for me. At least, to me they are, or were, amazing possibilities.

To be honest, I chose to come here because I was running away from life. I wasn't happy at home because a lot had happened last year. So my thinking was to just leave. If I left the country and took time out for myself, time to be myself, then maybe I would be happier. Then I met someone and my attitude towards leaving changed. I guess its cliche to say that a boy is the reason why I wanted to leave, and a boy is the reason why I wanted to stay. But its the truth. Now, I don't have the boy who caused me to dread coming to Europe. Now, I am completely on my own, completely independent again. Its sad and it does hurt that it didn't work out. But, maybe its for the best. Maybe I'll be able to enjoy myself here a bit more now that I am not constantly thinking about the boy I want to go home to. But, now, all I can think about is that going home is going to be hard. Nothing will be the same, and the chances of this boy wanting me again when I am back home is probably very slim. 

I guess I can't think about that now. I have another 3 months or so here. Anyway, I'll just have to suck it up and do my own thing for a bit. Maybe I'll figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Why am I such a nut job, why do I constantly over think things? I guess everyone asks themselves those questions at one point or another in their life, but I honestly want to figure out who I am. Being here, completely on my own, away from everyone who cares about me, gives me a chance to learn to love myself again. Maybe my life is turning into that movie Girl, Interrupted. Maybe Europe is my mental institution, bent on making me sane again. Or maybe I just watch that movie way too much.

Anyway, I know that most of my posts lately have been rants and random inner thoughts, but I promise I will be writing more about Europe soon. You guys just have to sit through this depressing stage of trying to figure my shit out for a little longer. But, I will make sure to post more fun, less serious posts in between the more serious ones. For balance, ya know? 

In the meantime, I would like to give you all a bit of advice. Take a day for yourself. Do things that only you want to do and do them on your own. Basically, take a mental health day. Everyone needs one sooner or later.

Until then,


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