Wednesday, February 12, 2014

e c t o p i c

So it's been a while since I've posted anything, so let me catch you up.

I got a new boyfriend about 3 months ago. Being young, we had sex early on and I thought it was ok. Little did I know, I got pregnant.

The entirety of the pregnancy I had no idea that I was pregnant.

One morning, however, I woke up and soon after felt a terrible pain, my vision went black and I felt nauseous.

The pain worsened as the day went on. It felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly and drowning at the same time.

I finally gave in and went to the hospital via ambulance the next morning. I wasn't really able to move on my own.

After some needles and tests it was clear that i had an ectopic pregnancy that was causing internal bleeding.

I was 7-8 weeks and the baby had burst through my left fallopian tube.

They brought me into surgery shortly after that.

It's been about a month since that happened and i feel as if I'm in an endless fog of crazy emotions. I hate myself for crying at stupid things. I hate my body for betraying me. But even more so, I hate that part of me wishes that I never made it to the hospital.

I was on the brink of death and all i can think is why am i not thankful that I'm alive now? I don't want to die. I'm not going to kill myself. But i do resent myself and especially my body for doing this to me. For fucking up my internal self.

I'm hoping this self loathing is just a phase and that I find solace in all of this. But right now I just feel angry and sad and even happy all at the same time.

Fucking hormones.

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